Monday, 24 December 2012

A Do-Er Upper's Christmas Wish List

I am, so my family regularly tell me, something of a Scrooge.

It's not, I hope, because I'm actually mean.

It's simply that I find the whole Christmas thing rather false and forced, a bit tacky and far, far too bloody long.

Elements are seriously nice. But the whole seems pointlessly stressful and hugely wasteful.

Every cupboard in our house is currently packed with gifts, small and large, that once greedily unwrapped will be often instantly forgotten.

I genuinely cannot remember one present I received last year. Can you?

So, as a Do-Er Upper, what would I really like to find under the tree this year?

This clever device (hidden about one's person) would detect any hint of exaggeration or untruth on the part of Estate Agent, Solicitor, Builder, Interior Designer or Architect. Whenever it detected hyperbole, outright lies or misinformation the machine would emit a loud and rather chilling laugh. Given the amount of bullshit about these days, a spare set of batteries should be kept handy!

I can't stand people who do not respond to phone calls or emails quickly. It takes nothing to tap out an email saying they're busy and will get back to me ASAP. But it's surprising the number of people who take days to respond to anything. So, this piece of kit would enable me to remotely send a small electric 'reminder shock' to those people who don't respond quickly. What fun!

I am not registered for VAT. But 'verbal' quotes I get from builders, buying agents, solicitors, surveyors and designers exclude the VAT. This is incredibly irritating. Every price I get is 20% below the actual cost! It is a practice I believe should be illegal. So this clever device would instantly add 20% to any price quoted verbally and shout out in public " SO YOU MEAN £24,000....NOT £20,000" or whatever the actual numbers were. This would, hopefully, embarrass suppliers into changing their ways.

and finally:

Over in Beijing they're planning to build the world's tallest structure in less time than London builders expect to take modernising my one room flat! So, please Santa, send me a team of your best Chinese workmen. Yes, I know the finish might not be up to Candy & Candy standards. No problem. The flat only needs to look good for a few months....after that I really don't care if the mezzanine starts to wobble a bit! I'll be long gone. Hopefully.

Happy Christmas.

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