They call them Offers, I call them Pointless.

The next time I go to my local butcher for a couple of steaks, here's what I'm going to do.

When he's cut, weighed and priced them, I'm going to make him an offer.

If he's asking £10 for the steak, here's what I'm going to say:

"Look I know these are two wonderful steaks, probably dry-aged for 35 days and from a farm where you know each animal by its first name, but frankly they're not worth £10 to me. I'll give you £7."

When he looks ready to faint with shock, and repeats the price of £10, I'll offer him £8.

And when he says no again, I'll walk out and see if I can get a better price at Waitrose, even though I know the meat will not be as good.

That's what it's like selling my house.

We've had several offers lately, but they've been from people who seem more determined to get a big discount than a house they appear to like.

Our asking price has already come down significantly and yet there's a perception that the market's so bad between £2m-£3m you can offer almost anything.

Well, you can try.

Like I could at the butcher's.

From Mr Nasty to Mr Nice: How to solve a problem like OTM.

Yesterday I complained about the new, agent backed property portal, OnTheMarket.com. Especially the way in which it has forced sellers to use an ineffectual (so far) marketing tool.

It's easy to knock something (and I should know as it's sort of my stock-in-trade).

So, for a change, I thought I'd put on my other hat. The constructive, hopefully creative one.

My problem with OTM, you see, is that it's really just a copycat site that will only survive and possibly prosper because it has what some might consider unfair leverage within the agent world.

It has nothing new to offer. Does nothing better than its competitors. And adds nothing to the mix.

So, if I'm to be Mr Nice for a change, what could they have done that would have really been exciting?

Well, first they needed a differentiator. Something that would separate the site and its service from the competition.

I think that what the market really needs is a good 'Prime Only' portal covering £1m+ properties. Nobody needs another all-encompassing list of every bloody property in Britain.

£1m is a natural dividing line in the market and buyers and sellers would be attracted to something that focussed on their end of the market. In London maybe the value should be set even higher - but that's a detail.

The name needs to be either a) a brilliant, youthful web brand like UBER or AIRBNB. Maybe something like LATERAL or WOW...or  b) a qualitative expression of the service like PRIMERESI (yes, I know that's taken).

The marketing needs to be original, compelling and very different. Take a look at how the National Lottery are using Piers Morgan to see what I mean. Clever, relevant, humourous, distinctive. (Everything the OTM campaign isn't.)

The website itself needs to tear up the established blue-print adopted by Rightmove and Zoopla and move into the current decade.

Lists are fundamentally boring. But a good designer could rethink the presentation of properties. The site needs to look more like AirBnB and less like a page on eBay. More like the Domus Nova website in looks (if you want an agency comparison). And written more like Crayson's.

People love property. But show me a portal that even remotely reflects that fact.

Why not divide properties more creatively into categories such as MegaPrime, Wrecks&Refurbs, LandedGentry, LockUp&Leave, Downsizers etc etc. Wouldn't searching be more fun, more relevant to the consumer.

Of course you would retain the more conventional search methods as well. But clever market segmentation is the future of the web. Curation, not saturation.

As well as lists of property, what the site really needs is unique content. Yes, like many others, I hate the word 'content'. But we all have to move with the times. Even the estate agency world.

What I'd like to see is sections on the site that add real value - like an interior design directory, architect & builder reviews, well written insights into different locations, even reviews of schools, restaurants, etc etc.

There's so much a site like this could contribute to making us want to return time and time again - yet nobody seems to do much more than pay lip-service to these areas. If I see another portal blog about PipofftheTelly, I'll throw myself off the nearest dreadful St George development.

Oooops. That's not very Mr Nice, is it?

Sorry. Can't help it.

On The Market but Off The Radar?

The following blog could be the rantings of a bitter old man who has failed to sell his house. Or it could be the considered view of an independent voice not afraid to critique a major initiative from the country's top estate agents.

You can decide.

If you're an estate agent, you'll be very familiar with the new portal OnTheMarket.com.

For us buyers and sellers, however, the arrival of this new online property search engine has been rather less enthralling.

The fact is most of us don't even know it exists. Or if we have vaguely heard of it...we probably haven't used it.

As a seller, however, I've been forced to list my property on OTM because both my agents opted to ditch Zoopla/Primelocation and go with this new portal and Rightmove (the clear market leader).

It's a condition of using OTM that agents use only two of the main portals.

Yes, I know this is all getting a bit complicated, not to say boring. But stick with me for a few more paragraphs. I can't promise it will become any less confusing, but it is important stuff (I think).

OTM was the idea of a few top agents. And I give them enormous credit for getting it off the ground.

They do actually have some 'previous' in this sphere as many of the same agents actually got together in 2001 to launch the portal called Primelocation.

This was eventually sold (for £48m) and is now part of the Daily Mail's digital stable which includes Zoopla.

Now I don't want to question the motives of those agents behind the new portal, but the fact that they got a mere £48m for Primelocation when Rightmove is now worth north of £3bn may have had some bearing on the decision to start another one.

The founders however claim that they disagreed with the way Zoopla was exploiting data derived from their listings, and also that third party advertising on Rightmove and Zoopla is an irritant for us punters.

Anyway, that's the basic background. Now, what's my issue with all this.

Well, quite simply, I don't want my property on OTM but if I want to use the best agents for my property I don't have a choice.

The reason I don't want my property on OTM is because it simply doesn't work at the moment.

The name is terrible, the consumer marketing is wallpaper and the site itself nothing special (and I'm being generous here).

More importantly, perhaps, it's way off the pace when it comes to Google searches.

I won't bore you, at this point, with the tedious details of how poorly it performs on Google. Trust me, it's crap.

Maybe it's good if you're looking to buy a semi in Hemel Hempstead or a terraced house in Burnley (although somehow I doubt it). But when it comes to selling a little house in Kensington, it is definitely useless.

I would far prefer to be on Primelocation. This is a decent website, the brand has a qualitative edge to it and, even more importantly, my target audience know it and use it.

Now at this point someone will probably bang off a tweet full of stats showing that OTM really is working and that Primelocation is nothing more than a small and quietly dying brand.

Maybe they're right.

But, having worked in digital since its earliest days, I know just how opaque web stats can be.

The fact is IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND MY PROPERTY ON OTM VIA A GOOGLE SEARCH.

Type in London W8 or Abingdon Rd W8 and it will be Rightmove or Primelocation or Zoopla that occupy the top spots on Google....followed by a bunch of agents such as Savills, John D Wood etc.

OTM doesn't come anywhere close to the first page on Google (except when it runs an ad!).

Now, although I don't think the fact that we're not on Primelocation/Zoopla makes much difference to whether or not we'll sell our property, I do think the principle of allowing agents to use only two portals is wrong.

It's surely against the spirit of competition law even if not the letter of the law (I'm sure they had very good advice).

If OTM is any good, it will find a ready market. But it should find a market by being better, not by forcing agents to cut out a competitor.

Right now, though, it isn't better. And in any normal market it would be struggling to stay in business.

Generally speaking, I like the top end London agents I've met. They're bright, hard-working and thoroughly professional.

It's a pity the portal they have to use isn't as good as they are.

Show homes designed for extreme stereotypes, not people.

I've recently had the opportunity to view a number of so-called show homes; where developers furnish new properties to give potential buyers an idea of how they might look when occupied.

Some of them are finished to such an extent there are even designer clothes hanging in the wardrobes, and food and wine in the fridges.

Given that most of us have limited imaginations, it's not a bad idea. Empty 'shell' homes are deeply uninteresting, and rarely have the emotional pull of an occupied house where you can see how living in it might work - even if you want to change it dramatically.

The most interesting thing about the homes I viewed, however, was the way in which they'd clearly been designed with a particular buyer in mind.

When I say "a particular buyer" what I actually mean, of course, is a particular race or nationality.

Whether it's palatial £15m sea view homes in Asia or one bedroom starter flats in Fulham, interior designers seem to see potential buyers as rather predictable stereotypes.

I wondered how this idea might be taken to its logical, if somewhat perverse, conclusion:

American buyers, for example, might appreciate it if you built in not just one gun cupboard but three - and labelled them for Handguns, Hunting Rifles and, of course, Assault Weapons? You should also, of course, install extra large beds to match the extra obese buyers.

Then there's the Eastern European buyer who might need, at any moment, a handy built-in cash counting machine, like those found in banks.

Or the Italian buyer (a man, of course) who might be swayed by finding a collection of V-neck cashmere jumpers in every available colour already folded neatly and ready to wear.

Sticking to the less sensitive racial/national targets, how about doing away with the interior kitchen for any Aussie buyers and simply installing a vast BBQ and accompanying ice machine in the garden. (What more could they want, to feel at home?)

The French are easy. Just ensure that nothing in the property is made in England, and that all instruction books are printed only in their language.

For Swedes, simply furnish with some half-assembled Ikea stuff....and scatter a few loose screws around the place. They'll appreciate the challenge.

The Greeks might like a specific built-in cupboard full of cheap white plates for smashing purposes.

For a German buyer, don't bother equipping the property with anything. They will undoubtedly know better than you what should go in it.

Finally, then, what about that rare beast the English buyer?

I suggest some ragged old sofas and a couple of mismatched lamps bought at a car boot sale; they'll think that's terribly posh.

Now that's what I call a doer-upper.

On a dog walk in the beautiful village of Mells, near our house in Somerset, I came across this ruin on a patch of land that has no apparent access road.

Surrounded by fields of grazing cattle and swaying crops, as it must be in summer, this once beautiful house (complete with mullioned windows) has one of the most perfect views (seen here via an imperfect photographer).

Mells church and next to it the exquisite home of the Horner family (of Little Jack Horner fame, apparently).

The property comes with enough land to make a perfectly reasonable garden...but really your 'garden' would be the fields on all four sides.

And, of course, dog walks would be so much closer.....

Cut & Run or Wait & Hope? The pre-election question.

They say you make your own luck.

Well, if that is the case, then it's something I've never quite mastered.

I'm the ad man who won the life-changing, multi-million pound Fosters beer account one day...only to lose it the next because of some bizarre corporate politics.

I'm the creative guy who picked up the iconic boo.com business just a few weeks before the whole dotcom world (and boo) crashed spectacularly.

Even when I tried my hand at being a buying agent, I worked 12 months on a €25m deal only to lose it because the seller changed his mind on the day he was going to sign.

So what the hell did I expect when I got involved in doing-up property. That suddenly I'd know how to make my own luck.

No chance.

We managed to hit the market with our latest project just as Prime Central London hit the buffers.

It's still on the market after almost 4 months. Still getting positive viewings. But still not attracting an offer worth seriously considering.

It's the sort of situation (a bit like the Fosters beer fiasco) that makes you question everything.

Is the market really this bad? Are we asking way too much? Did I configure and style the house wrongly?

What makes it worse is that we could have sold this project for £2m over a year ago....without even doing it up. Why the hell didn't we?

And if we hadn't wasted time almost selling it as a wreck, we'd have been on the market months earlier when demand and prices were at their peak.

IF ONLY.....it could be the perfect epitaph to my life as a doer-upper.

We are where we are, however. And we have to make a difficult decision.

Do we to cut the price substantially and trust that this will flush out some quick buyers? Or hold our nerve through the upcoming election and hope that Cameron wins?

Some argue that an end to the uncertainty of a general election is enough to kick start a London market revival. Whoever wins. But with the bitter and twisted Scottish threatening to hold the country to ransom in the event of a hung parliament, the biggest worry is that nobody wins a majority.

Obviously I've asked our agents what they think.

They know how keen we are to sell, and I can't fault their efforts or their advice. The feedback from viewings has always been very detailed, very prompt and very honest. There's been some terrific PR. The team have been proactive and attentive.

But we both know that the house is, as they say, 'fully' priced.

We both believe, however, that the street and the house itself justify a slight premium. It's still £1m LESS than any other house or decent flat on the street (it is though somewhat smaller).

When it launched, I think we all believed that someone would walk in and fall in love with the property and its location...and just have to have it.

Whether it's the market, the price, the threat of a mansion tax or the way the house is configured, this simply hasn't happened.

So. Now what?

It's a gamble either way.

If we cut now, and things don't go to plan we may be forced to cut again after the election.

But if we wait until there's a new government, who knows what will happen.

Interestingly, the market feels less negative now than even a few weeks ago. Overseas buyers seem less obsessed with a mansion tax than UK buyers. And even the Euro collapse hasn't stopped the French, Italians, Greeks and Spanish looking to move.

London seems to be holding its appeal.

It's just that in a poor market buyers think they can demand and get massive discounts.

We have one persistent overseas buyer, for example, who is 'stuck' on a figure that's about £200k below our minimum.

Another buyer seemed to get excited too, until he realised we weren't going to give the house away.

One issue is that when buyers check the previous sold price for the property it looks as though we bought it for around £500k only a couple of years ago.

I wish we had. But this was just to buy the freehold. We also had to acquire a much more expensive leasehold...and then rebuild the house from its foundations to its roof.

All too often we've been cajoled or frightened into selling something below its real value. And so this time I think we'll hang on and see what happens.

Knowing my luck, of course, that's almost certainly the wrong decision and Alex Salmond will be running the country in a few weeks time.

Revisiting properties I've sold. BIG mistake.

The other day I drove along the Upper Richmond Road and noticed a For Sale board outside a house we lived in for 13 years.

It's a wonderful house in a less than wonderful location.

Back in the mid-1990s we were able to afford it because it is at the wrong end of Putney (east) and slap bang on the side of the south circular (or south standstill, as I call it).

Five bedrooms, three bathrooms, three or four reception rooms, large entrance hall, a wider than average garden and drive-in parking also made it ideal for our growing family.

Over the years, it became our first real 'doer-upper'.

We knocked down walls, splashed out on a Bulthaup kitchen, laid stone floors, installed a steam room, built a master bathroom bigger than most bedrooms and made it into a contemporary and hugely comfortable home.

People were surprised to pitch up at this naff end of Putney and find we'd built a modern, slightly minimalist home. (Most of our friends were still living in homes that looked much like the ones they'd grown up in.)

Anyway, we finally had enough of the almost non-existent District Line, the thundering trucks that shook the house and the hours wasted trying to cross over inadequate Thames bridges. And sold up.

Now it's for sale again, and I couldn't resist taking a look at what the current owners had done to our pride and joy.

BIG mistake.

A few parts of our kitchen may still be in place...but the rest has been turned into a temple to dodgy taste.

Perhaps most tellingly, the garden, once a restful haven, has been ripped out and replaced with a single, flat expanse of lawn. Like the interiors, it's bereft of imagination or humanity.

The bathrooms are beyond naff - ugly in their use of too many materials and self-consciously faddish.

Horrible cheap looking built-in cupboards have appeared in virtually every available alcove. And even the steam room has been violated with the installation of some sort of multi-coloured floor!

I was so upset looking at the agent's photos, I had to shut down Zoopla before I got too angry. I felt like going round to confront the owners.

But of course, this would be certifiable madness and pointless.

And I've been here before...

On a bay near St Tropez we did up a beachfront duplex with the help of a Notting Hill architect.

Cool cement finishes, white painted wood floors, grotesquely expensive minimalist bathroom fittings, open stairs, impractical white sofas...you get the picture.

Three months after it was finally ready to move into, we sold it and bought a little house a few doors down.

A year later I persuaded our agent (who also managed the property for its new owner) to take us into the flat again so that I could show the architect how it had finished up. I ignored the agent's pleas not to go, assuming of course that my masterpiece would have been preserved in its entirety by a grateful buyer. Another BIG mistake.

The white wood floors had been covered over with cheap shiny blue ceramic tiles. The hand-made cement topped kitchen had been ripped out and replaced with a basic Ikea setup. And the state-of-the-art brushed nickel bathroom fittings (all hardly used) had been chucked out in favour of GOLD (look) taps.

This time I almost threw-up. All over his disgusting blue tiles.

Why do these things matter so much? After all, even after spending far too much on the flat we still made money. And we'd moved to a much better property (far away from the obnoxious little Italian man who lived in the ground floor flat).

What does it matter that someone doesn't share my aesthetic, doesn't fall in love with the way we've done things, doesn't keep it just the way we'd keep it?

Arrogance? Maybe.

But I think it's more to do with the fact that any building project is so difficult, so exhausting and so emotionally draining that you want people to appreciate this, respect what you've done and keep it just the way it is.

Stupid, I know.